I am on a radio show. I’m sitting in a studio, waiting to talk about my new book, like real authors do. I am wearing headphones. There is a microphone in front of me. The producer gives us the count down:
“Aaaannnd we’re on in five, four, three, two…”
—PEPPY INTRO MUSIC FOR MORNING SHOW—
RADIO HOST: Hi, you’re listening to WKXPRHZBXC, your home for soft rock favorites and non-stop continuous Michael Bolton ballads. I’m your highly caffeinated morning-show host, Morning Man Larry, and I’m crazy! With a capital K! Our guest today is author Shane Deeters. Shane, thanks for being with us.
ME: My name’s actually Sean Dietrich. But thank you for having me, Larry.
HOST: Don’t mention it. Now, I’m holding a copy of my guest’s newest book, and I wanna tell you, folks, this looks exactly like a real book. It has an actual spine and a dust cover and pages and everything. Trust me. I have seen some books in my day, but this is definitely one of them. You can trust Morning Man Larry because I am now talking in a low, serious voice to convey the idea that I am a close personal friend. Please, tell our listeners a little bit about your book, Shane.
ME: Well, my name is Sean, and the book is a story about my—
HOST: How long did it take to write this particular book?
ME: I was trying to answer your first question…
HOST: And how many years, approximately, have you been writing books? How many books do you have? When did you first fall in love? What’s your middle name? Where is Fiji? What is a granivorous ornithologist?
ME: I’m sorry, which question am I supposed to be answering?
HOST: Anyway, you know what I think? I think writing is a very noble process. Don’t you agree, Shane? Can I call you Shane?
ME: I don’t know why anyone would.
HOST: Funny story, Shane, I actually wrote a book of my own, it is called “Morning Man Larry’s Adventures in 3-D,” and it is about my crazy, excellent life, and all the moderately famous people whose names I’ve used in my book, but have never actually met in person per se. It’s been a long road, Shane. But that’s how my Cinderella story all began.
ME: I’m not Shane.
HOST: Because in my experience, people just go about their lives in 2-D, and sometimes I wanna tell our listeners, “HEY! Life is 3-D!” Or, no! Wait a minute, folks! WHOA! GET READY FOR THIS! YOU CAN LIVE LIFE IN 4-D! What’d’ya think, Shane? Do you like my idea about living life in 4-D?
ME: I have no idea what we are talking about.
HOST: So tell us where you’re from.
ME: I’m from the Florida Panhandle, which is…
HOST: NO WAY!! I’m from South Dakota! Can you believe that? Have you ever met ANYONE from South Dakota? Most people haven’t, but I promise you, we’re out there, and we’re alive! Alive and well, folks! You heard it right here!
ME: I need some water.
HOST: So if you’re just tuning in, folks, my guest has written a book, and is here in the studio to talk about it.
ME: Maybe some hard liquor.
HOST: What inspires you each day?
ME: Is it really my turn to talk?
HOST: Of course, the floor is all yours.
ME: It’s just that every time I try to speak, you end up cuttin—
HOST: Tell us a little bit about your thoughts on tax reform.
ME: Do what?
HOST: Ginger or Marianne?
ME: I, uh…
HOST: Boxers or briefs?
ME: I don’t really see how that’s…
HOST: You’re listening to WKXPRHZBXC, I’m Morning Man Larry, here in the studio with author Shane Derelict, we are the craziest morning show out there! So crazy that I actually have a rubber chicken dangling from a hangman’s noose in my studio above my desk, right from the ceiling! Isn’t that right, Shane?
ME: I don’t see a chicken.
HOST: He’s right there, hanging from the AC vent. See it?
ME: Yes. I see him now.
HOST: What do you think of my rubber chicken?
ME: I think he’s the luckiest guy in this room.
HOST: Funny story, you wanna know where I got that chicken?
HOST: It’s a KUH-RAZY story, like all the stories on my show, do we have time for this story about the rubber chicken?
ME: I will literally pay you not to tell me this story.
HOST: My producer is telling me we don’t have time, but you know what? On our NEXT show, I’m gonna tell the story, and I want YOU to be here with me, Slayton… Shane… Sam.
ME: I can’t make it. I’ll have food poisoning that day.
HOST: Well, we’re outta time, folks! Morning Man Larry here! I’d like to thank today’s guest, Shadrach Delacroix, it’s been a true pleasure having you in the studio, buddy! If you’re ever in the area, please stop by and see us! You have an open invitation!
ME: That means so much to me.
HOST: (Removes headphones.) That was a great show! Good energy! You’re a natural on the air. A NATURAL!
HOST: (Shakes my hand.) So what’d you say your name was again?
Estelle - October 8, 2019 7:05 am
A waste of words
Connie Havard Ryland - October 8, 2019 7:14 am
I sincerely hope your radio interview was better than that but with the DJ’s on the radio today, I would be surprised.
Steve - October 8, 2019 8:51 am
Shane Derelict got me laughing – it’s 3:47AM. I should be sleeping. Oh well.
Great Article Shane! Sam?
Al - October 8, 2019 9:02 am
That sounds about like it really is today with self agrandizing hosts who are more infatuated with themselves rather than their guests…. yep you got it spot on.
Jessica W. - October 8, 2019 9:51 am
Hilarious 😆. Love it.
Jessica W - October 8, 2019 10:11 am
Hilarious. Love it!
Phil S. - October 8, 2019 10:40 am
This one is a classic, Shad. Could win you one of those big writing awards like the Knob Bell or the Pullet Sister. Nice work, Shemp Ditchwitch!
pennysuzanne - October 8, 2019 12:04 pm
My sister introduced me to your column last December. I read it every morning as I start my day. I love it; I am usually either crying or laughing! Today I was laughing! Thank you for sharing your gift of writing, it makes my dsy!
Mark 3:26 - October 8, 2019 12:19 pm
You might have been surprised by my “on-air” interviews. I actually encouraged my guest to think and talk about themselves and, why they were with me. As the really smart guy once said…”an un-examined life is not worth living but it pays really well!” I would have loved to have had you setting across from me while Hank sang “well my buckets got a hole in it, I can’t buy no beer…” Mark Xxxxx 3 to 6 pm
Harriet - October 8, 2019 12:22 pm
I had to pull over out of Atlanta traffic and finish reading this HILARIOUS story!! I’m so late for work, but it’s worth it! Cause that made my day.
Cheryl - October 8, 2019 12:58 pm
So funny! OK if I send this to anyone at NPR for a legit interview? I used to work in Public Relations. I would enjoy promoting you!
Mary - October 8, 2019 2:08 pm
Hysterical! How in the world did you sit through that? I think about halfway through I would have taken off my headphones and thrown him a bye-bye kiss. Oh, the things you have to deal with when you’re a famous writer from Florida! Hang in there.
glbarlow - October 8, 2019 2:26 pm
The first commenter’s “waste of words” bothers me. Sean is a story teller, this is a hilarious story. So Estelle, a story well written can’t ever be a waste of words. Even this comment isn’t a waste of words because there is no such concept in structured written work.
Now if you came across something like ‘abstract, wall, gutter, road, eye, tangerine, photo, pencil…” that might be a waste of words. It would however reflect the proper use of commas.
Cindy - October 8, 2019 2:29 pm
Can we say narcissist radio guy???
Susan Kennedy - October 8, 2019 2:44 pm
“I can’t make it. I’ll have food poisoning that day.” Bahahahahahahaha! 😂
Ron - October 8, 2019 3:27 pm
Very funny, Sean!.
Sally T. - October 8, 2019 3:40 pm
In reference to Estelle who commented “A waste of words”:
How could you say something mean to someone like Sean Dietrich? Sean writes from his heart–some days they are funny rather than heartfelt, most days they are both. Every single day they are FREELY given. If you don’t enjoy them, simply unsubscribe rather than leave mean comments. How can one complain about a gift? I am perplexed that someone who reads Sean daily would be mean-spirited. It seems oxymoronic.
Linda Moon - October 8, 2019 3:51 pm
You were interviewed because you are a REAL AUTHOR. But, while that surreal radio host was talking to you, did your mind wander to that Academy Award Winning movie, starring Alan Ladd as SHANE? Mine did….but I digress. I laughed out loud, really, really loud as I read your parody of Soft-Rock Morning Radio. It was spot on! I’m glad you are Sean – not Shane or even Shadrach of the actual Bible!!
Donna - October 8, 2019 4:03 pm
Thanks for the laughs… “Shane”!
Tim House - October 8, 2019 4:59 pm
This one was hilarious, Sean! Or is it Shane? 😉
Shelton A. - October 8, 2019 5:30 pm
Sounds like too many radio-jocks that I’ve heard and turned off. Sorry you had to go through that-makes for a great and funny (but not to you) story. Hope for better next time, Shane, uh, sorry, Sean.
Harriet - October 8, 2019 5:32 pm
Dianne - October 8, 2019 5:46 pm
Sounds like so many radio and TV talk show hosts. They obviously don’t realize how boring they are to their listeners/viewers. I probably would have gotten up and walked out!
Susie, as well - October 8, 2019 6:23 pm
What Sally T. said, 100%.
Susie - October 8, 2019 6:39 pm
My feelings about yours.
Susie - October 8, 2019 6:43 pm
My feelings about yours, Estelle.
Kathleen - October 8, 2019 8:07 pm
💕And I’m thinking “WKRP in Cincinnati !”💕
David - October 9, 2019 12:13 am
I also have a problem SEAN rhymes with BEAN?? Then again are you named Shawn and spell it wrong?? You composition nearly caused me to kick my puter screen. I am going to write a book too but it be about women. I heard that men think women every 12 minutes. That is why my book be about women. I am crowding 80 and can’t get them off my mind long enough to think something else. Who you hire to publish your book?? How do I hire somebody to publish my book?? I never did in all my life ever do what I always wanted to do on account of women.—I actually do read you stuff every day but in spurts on account of women.–The End
Melanie - October 9, 2019 1:08 am
Kathy - October 9, 2019 3:48 am
Well, Shane, I think you finally made it! I’m sure (at least I’m sure?) It didn’t actually go that way but*** if it did, I’m truly sorry I missed it
Mary Ellen Hall - October 9, 2019 8:45 am
INFURIATING!😠You had MORE PATIENCE than I EVER could!
LaRee Baker - October 15, 2019 3:49 am
I took it that Estelle meant the radio guy not Sean, jmo
Steve W. - November 3, 2019 5:19 am
I am with you LaRee.
If that comment was aimed at Sean it makes no sense. The whole thing is classic SOTS comedy that we’ve all fallen in love with.
All together now, “WE LOVE YOU SEAN!”
Tami - November 3, 2019 1:28 pm
Then why comment?
Debbie Shiflett - November 3, 2019 4:09 pm
Sally T., I totally agree. I was shocked to see Estelle’s harsh comment. I don’t get it? This was a great story about a miserable radio interview…what’s a waste about that funny story? I love Sean and his gifts to us. I loved Stars of Alabama too. Ready for his next wonderful book.