[dropcap]S[/dropcap]o, I’m below deck right now, with the hatches shut, preparing to wait out this storm. Since I’m hoping to make it through this torrent alive, I’ve decided to increase my chances of survival by getting a few things off my chest.
First off: when I was seven, my buddy Ryan got in trouble for emptying a whole bottle of red food coloring into the teacher’s soda. The teacher had to skip school the next day because, evidently, she was convinced that she was dying. Sorry Ryan.
Secondly: Jamie, when we were doing that South Beach diet, and it was so important to you that we did it together, I cheated. Almost every day for lunch I ate a cheeseburger at Chili’s. I still don’t know how I managed to lose more weight than you did.
Thirdly: In second grade, I noticed Alison, who sat next to me in class, copying my answers during our multiplication test. I started answering each question with a zero so that she’d fail. She did. I’ve never felt so evil.
Last, but not least: Once while Jamie was out of town, I was so bored that I hired a cab to take me all the way to the Bel Air Mall in Mobile, Alabama. I made the cab wait in the parking lot while I went inside and bought a frisbee and had lunch. Then he drove me back home. It was the most expensive frisbee that I’ve ever bought.