There is a right and wrong way to say grace. I learned this when I was a kid. We were all gathered at my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. One of the younger relatives said grace.

There were lots of uhs and ahs between the aforesaid relative’s words. The kid even picked his nose before getting to the Amen.

Dinner guests were soon looking around, mid-prayer. We were wondering who should interject before my aunt castrated the boy with a serving fork.

The problem is, essentially, that there is a time honored way of saying the incantation. It’s important to get it right.

This is why many families usually ask a professional to say the blessing. At family gatherings there’s always a preacher lying around somewhere.

“Go get Brother Jacob to say the blessing,” my mother once said at a gathering.

“But,” I replied, “I don’t know where Brother Jacob is.”

“I do. He’s in your father’s liquor cabinet.”

In the absence of a professional, there are always a few classic prayers you can use. These are standard-issue prayers. Faithful oldies. Like the prayer our preacher used at potluck socials:

“Dearest Lord of Mercy,
“We all need your blessin’,
“When this unrefrigerated food,
“Develops botulism.”

There is also a common prayer many of us learn in Sunday school, which is still uttered by all ages. You probably already know it:

“God is great, God is good,
“Let us thank Him for our food,
“By his hands we all are fed,
“Except for Uncle Joe,
“Who is dead.”

Even our non-religious people say grace at meals. Because, in this part of the world, not saying anything at supper just feels odd, no matter what you believe.

Take my uncle Peter. He was not a religiousman, but he always said a few words before each meal.

“I don’t believe in God,
“But wouldn’t it be the craziest?
“If I was actually wrong,
“About being an atheist?”

In my cousin Andrew’s case, however, his family did things differently at the table. They only ever said grace after the meal finished.

“Why afterward?” I once asked Andrew.

“Because my mom ain’t a good cook.”

There are a few simple guidelines to saying a proper blessing. And I’ll share them with you.

For starters, you don’t call the Lord by uncommon names such as Daddy, The Big Guy, or Regis.

Secondly, always finish by blessing the food by saying: “…And bless the hands that prepared it.” Otherwise you will die.

Also, do not pray for the food itself until after you’ve said some opening words. The preamble to your prayer must be at least eight minutes long, according to Denominational Standards, and must include prayers for the shut-ins, Lost Souls, deceased persons, those in government, divorcees, minor celebrities, local neighbors, Third World countries, deviants, sociopaths, death-row inmates, and of course, your in-laws.

One more thing to keep in mind is that when saying grace at a public gathering is that you should never include rhymes in your prayer. Like the prayer my cousin once prayed before an Easter banquet.

“Bless this food, oh, Lord,
“Then bless it some more,
“I know this food needs extra blessings,
“Because I’ve eaten this crap before.”

The next day Brother Jacob delivered a stirring prayer at my cousin’s memorial.

You have been warned.