It’s a beautiful day outside, I think I’ll sit down and write my obituary. This is because I’m dying.
My nasal cavities are full of a thick, gelatinous-like substance which you could pave parking lots with.
According to the doctor, and I quote: “You just have a common cold, bud.” His medical license ought to be revoked.
This is not “just” a cold. It’s Purgatory.
And I know exactly where this deadly strain came from. It happened when my wife and I were on the way home last week.
I was sitting in a barbecue restaurant, minding my business, sipping my Budweiser, humming with the Christmas music playing overhead.
There was a girl. A toddler. The girl’s mother was carrying her. They’d just returned from the bathroom. Green snot rolled down the girl’s lip, she was hacking like a veteran coal miner.
This kid was bad news.
When they walked by, the girl stared into my eyes. She drew her head back, then coughed right at me. I felt it on my face.
Then she grinned. Her thin lips curled over her vicious little teeth. The deed was done. And now my body feels like it was used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
The first thing you should know is that I am a man. And this means I am not a good sick person.
For example: I moan a lot when fighting a super-cold. Moaning is how men communicate effectively with their brides when they have sniffles.
We say: “Moooohh, uuuuugghh.” Which means: “I feel rather ill.”
And there’s: “Ooooh, aaagh, gaaawww.” When said with tears, means: “Sweetie, would you buy Gatorade, a Snickers, and a comic book on you way home?”
And: “Aaah sheeeeeezzz!” Often said with flailing gestures. This means: “I have exactly sixty minutes left to live.” Or: “The remote is four inches out of my reach.”
Anyway, when my wife gets sick, she never moans. She’s too busy.
Last week she was sick. She still managed to cook macaroni-and-cheese for the church potluck, mop floors, wash fourteen-years of laundry, dust ceiling fans, reshingle my neighbor’s workshed, and change the oil in my truck.
I can’t even feed myself.
This morning, my wife fed me breakfast with a spoon since the lethal virus has already spread to my arms. She was feeding me oatmeal, twirling the spoon in circles, making airplane noises while I moaned.
“Open up, Captain Tough Guy,” she said.
“Agghh aaggh,” I stated. Which means: “Did you remember to use synthetic Penzoil in my truck?”
Also: when I am sick—this is too much information—I need help going to the bathroom. Well. Okay. Not GOING to the bathroom, but GETTING there.
The average man with a cold needs an able-bodied woman to carry him, help situate him on the toilet seat, and clap for him while he concentrates.
So I’d like to thank my wife. I really would.
She does everything. Without her, this house would be empty and cold. And I’d have nobody to make chicken soup, hold ice packs on my forehead, or escort me to the bathroom and point out the irreversible marital consequences of leaving the seat up.
Thank you, honey.
I left my obituary stuck to the refrigerator.
Sandi in FL - December 21, 2017 8:10 am
Treat a cold and it goes away in a week. Leave it untreated and it goes away in seven days. Hurry up and feel much better real soon, Sean. It’s against the law to be sick on Christmas Day in Alabama.
Tammy Moody - December 21, 2017 3:22 pm
Love it!! ♥
Wendy - December 21, 2017 8:40 am
How timely this is! My husband (who’s so rarely sick) actually called, then somehow got himself to his GP, was diagnosed with flu 2 days ago. The kind doctor also sent our daughter an RX. Since I go to a different physician & coincidentally had an appt the same afternoon, he suggested I get an RX also…which I did.
So here we 3 adults are…dragging from beds to sofas to recliners as we fight this monster bug. We’re praying to the Great Physician for healing before our 5 yr old granddaughter visits Dec 27 for 5 days. Her mother, divorced from our son, would not appreciate her returning home from our home with same ailment.
So Sean, I sincerely hope & pray that your ickyness is short lived. Drink those liquids & warm chicken broth…& beware the cuddling for now! ?
Buck Godwin - December 21, 2017 9:51 am
Sean, I feel your pain. As men we have special needs when we are feeling poorly. I’m happy for you that you have a wife who is super human, reminds me of my own mother.
Hang in there Bud!
CKD - December 21, 2017 10:31 am
You surely started my day off with a laugh! Do hope you are feeling better and that there is no need for your obituary at this time.
Nancy - December 21, 2017 10:51 am
Sean, I hope you are feeling better soon, but if you hadn’t gotten sick I wouldn’t be laughing and shaking my head amazed that you can hit the nail on the head every time! You are the Best! Merry Christmas!
Perri Williamson - December 21, 2017 10:59 am
?????? I hope you are better.
Gale - December 21, 2017 11:44 am
I really don’t mean to LOL while you are on your death bed, but this is soooo funny. I hope you recover soon – for your sainted wife’s sake. ?
Connie - December 21, 2017 12:46 pm
God bless your sweet wife. There’s nothing worse than a sick man. I’m totally laughing out loud at you, because I’ve been working sick for a week. Not contagious sick, just allergies, but I’m finally breaking down going to the doc this morning. I warn my sweet granddaughter every time her boyfriend gets sick-it gets worse. Feel better. Then go do something fabulous for Jamie.
Jack Darnell - December 21, 2017 1:33 pm
Oh yes Wives re wonderful. As I read this to my sweet wife sitting across the table at her computer, she sympathized with you while saying, “At least he admits he is SICK!” Then turned back to the computer, daring me to start the motor home to leave until she finishes the OBITS (I think she is looking for yours!)
Juanita Ruth One - December 21, 2017 2:19 pm
You are TOO funny, Sean, and so very authentic! We readers so love you and hope you are soon recovered!
Pat - December 21, 2017 2:25 pm
This one cracked me up! Sooo funny, but true.
Laura - December 21, 2017 2:41 pm
This might be funny for some people, but I know it isn’t for you. Oh yes, Sean.it definitely sounds like you are at death’s door. As a 47 year nurse, I KNOW that men (especially doctors) are not good patients. Martyrs -yes; patients- no. Many times nurses would draw straws to see who had to take care of a particular “deathly ill” patient- always a man..:-). I hate that the doctor was not empathetic (he obviously had never been deathly ill like you). I am so glad Jamie is so multi-skilled (as most wives are) so she can be nurse, cook, chaffeur, mechanic, laundress, carpenter all at once. I once had a great doctor who was known for his diagnostic skill- we used to say about him – “if he tells you that you are going to die, just go to the funeral home and wait”. Fortunately for you, I think you want die (just wish you would)..:-) Loved this!
Pat - December 21, 2017 3:52 pm
Laura as a wife and retired nurse, I must say you wrote a pretty funny post yourself (also true)!
Judy - December 21, 2017 2:46 pm
I do hope you start to feel human again,soon….but this is hilarious!
Really, you could take a day off and recuperate…we would miss you. But it will all be OK. I hope. ?
Tammy Moody - December 21, 2017 3:19 pm
William L Hataway - December 21, 2017 3:52 pm
I am with bro I will be buried after you. I swear child birthing can’t compete with MAN COLD aggggggghhh choooo
Pat - December 21, 2017 3:54 pm
This is toooooo funny. My husband’s doctor once told him that men are just not built to take pain!
Rebecca Qualls - December 21, 2017 3:58 pm
OHHHHHHH WHAT TRUTHS YOU BEAR….TY!!!!!
Marty from Alabama - December 21, 2017 4:31 pm
Hope Jamie adds a little note to your obit!! Oh me, I have been there and it is rather comical. And IF you, the woman of the house, should ever get sick, do not mention it. After all it is only a little sniffle. This is said as you crawl across the floor to prepare the family holiday meal. He did tell everybody, “Don’t bring anything. Jamie has it all planned.” Ever seen the death glare.
Merry Christmas, Sean. Hope you survive to enjoy it???
Carol-Ann Dearnaley - December 21, 2017 4:49 pm
It’s called a Christmas cold and it protects manchildren from having to answer the question of, “have you been good?” When the manchild is sniffling, sneezing, and just looking miserable, Santa feels sorry and doesn’t pursue the issue.
Merry Christmas, Sean, feel better.
Brian Heinz - December 21, 2017 5:03 pm
LOL that sounds just like every man that has a wife. A Wife is the work horse of the family. They do the everyday load and things we don’t want to do and we take for granted every day. But they do not get the respect they deserve when it comes down to it. We try such feeble attempts like flowers and candies but what they need is our undivided attention and love.
Pat Byers - December 21, 2017 5:49 pm
oh, you poor man. and all the men out there just like you. it is good you had the strength to write your obit ! i am smiling ear to ear. and please give Jamie my sympathy! it could be worse… if you had children, or get again too close to children, you do know that chicken pox goes around EVERY single Christmas season, don’t you? OR mumps?
Tommie Jordan - December 21, 2017 5:58 pm
LMAO. Yes, after 3 husbands , i know I have had more than my fair share, and 1 son, i know the male reaction to the sniffles, a.k.a., pneumonia, very well. On that point, I have a funny aside about the chicken soup. My son’s wife called saying she had to have the recipe. Nothing she made was what I gave him when he was sick. So I said get a pen, ready? Get a large can of Campbells Chicken Noodle soup. Put in a pot, fill can with water, get a cup of white rice and put in the pot. Bring to high heat, let sit for a few minutes, per rixe making instructions, then put in a bowl. After laughing her head off, she called back later and said it was exactly as he remembered. I told her to never disclose the secret recipe, and to let him know he owed her for slaving over the stove and having to call me for the secret recipe, which most ladies detest doing. LOL
Ava - December 21, 2017 6:05 pm
A perfect description of a sick man. Any man I know could die of a hangnail. Face down a grizzly bear, but not a runny nose.
Nedra Tucker - December 21, 2017 6:27 pm
Exactly, I feel your pain! I received my gift of death from a fellow employee that picked her sick child up from school and decided to bring him back to work instead of taking him home and putting him to bed. A side note: I work for one of those Physicians that say, It is just a cold, suck it up. That is what I have been doing for three days. “Sucking it up” She is the nurse!
Pamela McEachern - December 21, 2017 7:50 pm
OMG you are definetly on the mark on Male Medical Issues, I was in the medical field a very long time and men are so fragile! With Ms Jamie’s help you will be all better real soon! Feel better buddy, we need your wisdom!
Peace and Love from Birmingham ?
Ginger - December 21, 2017 11:17 pm
Hahahaha…. Your poor wife! She has more patience than I do. I hear my husband sneezing in his bedroom and yet here I sit, reading and writing comments. I DID, however, go out into the frigid winter air in order to go the grocery, fill the gas tank, take care of some financial paperwork and bring home his favorite seafood sub and the mince pie he likes so much. So I’m not totally heartless. I just won’t wait on him hand and foot. He can crawl to the bathroom if need be.
Patricia Gibson - December 22, 2017 4:05 am
Hope you feel better!
Susan Hammett Poole - December 22, 2017 8:51 am
Well, you know what we say in the south when adversity rises and we don’t quite know what to do (works for a man–cold, too). Put on a hang dog expression and say, “Well, bless his heart.”
Debra - December 23, 2017 3:25 am
Bless your heart! You’re such a Southern guy and only a Southern woman can understand and care for you. So funny! Feel better and. Merry Christmas ?