Let’s see what’s on the television tonight. It’s been a long day. I wouldn’t mind seeing something good.
CLICK.
“Good evening, America, I’m your host, Ken Barbeedoll. I hope you’re having a wonderful evening. In international news, a nuclear crisis threatens to end human life as we know it…”
FLIP.
“HAVE YOU BEEN IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT? DO YOU HAVE A CORPORATION YOU’D LIKE TO SUE? HAVE YOU EVER STUBBED YOUR PINKY TOE ON FAULTY DOOR JAMBS? I’M A PERSONAL INJURY ATTORNEY AT DEWEY CHEETUM AND HOWE, LET ME BE YOUR LAWYER AND TOGETHER WE CAN SUE THE FREAKIN’ PANTS OFF… ”
FLIP, FLIP, FLIP.
“I’ll kill you, so help me, I’ll kill you, and you will be DEAD when I am…”
FLIP.
“Thank you for watching season forty-nine of ‘The Vocalist’ a REALITY game show featuring judges in big chairs, sipping mandatory Pepsi products on camera and evaluating young talented artists who compete for serious recording contracts based on how tight their pants are…”
FLIP, FLIP.
“(Sitcom laughter!) But I swear, I didn’t mean to microwave your dog. (Sitcom laughter!) It was an honest mistake. (Sitcom laughter!) Do you know how many people watch this sitcom? (Sitcom laughter!) Even though we have the worst dialogue in the history of human entertainment. (Sitcom laughter!) Our show is still ranked number one according to the Nielsen ratings. (Sitcom laughter!)”
FLIP, FLIP, FLIP.
“And in financial news, officials predict that by February, consumers will pay more for a gallon of gasoline than they would pay for a Melbourne Cup champion thoroughbred…”
FLIP, FLIP, FLIP.
“KABOOM! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!”
FLIP.
“Do you feel too normal? Do you wonder why you AREN’T depressed when all your friends ARE depressed? You’re not alone. You could be suffering from non-depression, which is a harmless condition affecting one hundred percent of happy people who DO NOT YET have depression. Ask your doctor about Depressacore®, and how you can start feeling completely miserable about your…”
FLIP, FLIP.
“And in science news, an unidentified bacteria swallows up half the Western world. If it isn’t contained soon, your children will die, your granny will die, and you will develop sudden onset hypochondria…”
FLIP.
“…Low calorie drink is the ONLY drink TV doctors recommend, and we promise it will make you successful, and rich, and hot, and toned, and at your twenty-year high school reunion, all your former classmates will be jealous enough to attempt to commit second degree…”
FLIP.
“I’M A LAWYER! YOU CAN TRUST ME! I SWEAR! CROSS MY HEART! JUST LOOK AT MY BILLBOARDS ON I-65! I HAVE ROUGHLY SEVEN MILLION BILLBOARDS! DO YOU HAVE THAT MANY BILLBOARDS? I DIDN’T THINK SO! YOU CAN TRUST SOMEONE WITH SEVEN MILLION BILLBOARDS!”
FLIP.
“In other news tonight, there have been a string of tragic deaths allegedly caused by apples. That’s right. Experts, however, are not ACTUALLY sure any of the victims ATE any apples, but you never know. Sure the deaths could have been simply caused by old age, natural causes, or high cholesterol, but we remain skeptical. In other news, can breathing too much air kill you?”
FLIP, FLIP.
“Get a FREE smartphone, with NO ANNUAL CONTRACTS, NO COMMITMENTS, NO DOWN PAYMENTS. Experience the Freedom Talk Wireless Family Plan for only fourteen hundred dollars per month and the blood sacrifice of your first born…”
FLIP.
“(Sitcom laughter!) I’m not even trying to be an actor. (Sitcom laughter!) And people love my show. (Sitcom laughter!) I could make farting noises with my armpit and still have the highest ratings in TV history. (Sitcom laughter!) Even higher ratings than ‘The Vocalist’ reality TV game show. (Sitcom laughter!) How is this even possible? (Sitcom laughter!) I think I’m gonna buy a small island off the coast of Guam just because. (Sitcom laughter!)”
FLIP.
“Depressacore® might not be for everybody, but it also MIGHT BE for everybody, we’re not ruling that out. Besides, just look at these former JC Penney catalog models we hired to be pharmaceutical spokespersons. They’re JUST LIKE YOU, except that one of these actors is seventy-three years old and is literally thirty-percent silicone.”
FLIP.
“And in national news tonight, more about the shampoo brand that has Evangelicals outraged…”
FLIP, FLIP.
“…Thanks for watching the season finale of ‘The Vocalist,’ I’m a panel judge who is a middle-aged pop-star with a career that tanked like a cinder block in a drainage ditch. My agent got me this gig as a TV judge, and that means all our lunches catered on set…”
FLIP.
“DO YOU HAVE A JOB? DO YOU HAVE A CAR? CAN YOU SAY YOUR ABC’S? LET ME BE YOUR ATTORNEY…”
FLIP.
“… And I’m Ken Barbeedoll, that’s the blood curdling news for tonight folks, we leave you now with a ninety-second uplifting story about a cuddly kitten being raised by a retired insurance salesman in Toledo, Ohio…”
CLICK.
Well, there just went one hour of my life. I think I’ll read a book.
46 comments
Janice Takashima - November 12, 2018 7:37 am
Who are you and what did you do with Sean? I started skimming halfway through and then stopped and went to read a book. I hope Sean is back tomorrow. I am grateful for his authentically sweet nature.
rantsandravescom - November 12, 2018 8:01 am
Instead of writing this column you should have read a book. Then you might have found something to say.
sparkerlpc - November 12, 2018 8:34 am
Well I liked this column. Don’t know why some didn’t, it was true and funny, and made me smile. And you have those commercials down pat! TV night’s like th st are why we have books…..and DVDs, just sayin’! <3
Sandi in FL. - November 12, 2018 8:45 am
Sean, you are a better writer than this post reflects. It’s a fact that television sorely lacks in substance. Most of your devoted readers would prefer to read about your daily encounters with ordinary people who cross your path, or the antics of your two pet dogs, or memories culled from your youth. Human interest stories are 1000 times more appealing!
Mary Burns - November 12, 2018 8:47 am
AND don’t get me started on political ads!!! All I want to know is what I need to know about you to make me want to vote for you. I don’t care what you think about your opponent. Just convince me that you are worthy of my vote. I don’t care what your opinion is about what a dirty dog your opponent is!!! Jeez! 25 times a day! Lord, save us all!
Pamela McEachern - November 12, 2018 8:53 am
No Thank You.
I’m more about Peace and Love from Birmingham.
Carol - November 12, 2018 10:53 am
It’s even Worse than that!! Politics and the News MEDIA
are Trying To Control our lives!!!
GOD HELP US ALL!!
YES WE NEED TO READ A BOOK
THE BIBLE !!
LOVE YA!!
Martha - November 12, 2018 10:58 am
My feelings EXACTLY about the state of TV these days . . . even with a bazillion channels. That’s why I watch HGTV and TCM movies – well, I do enjoy “Say Yes To The Dress”!
Kelly Haddock - November 12, 2018 11:44 am
Yes! Throw in some political ads and you summed it up perfectly! Love all of your posts!
dlpedit - November 12, 2018 11:45 am
Exactly! A zillion channels but nothing worth watching!
Elizabeth Edens - November 12, 2018 11:50 am
Wow, people are harsh and fickle! I loved it, thought, like all your posts, reflect reality. Except you forgot the advertisement for some drug and the long long list of side effects listed in a quite whispered voice:-)
Debbie - November 12, 2018 12:11 pm
You left out the line where the lawyer says “you may be eligible for compensation, even if it was YOUR fault!” What a sincere fellow he is….
Toni Tucker Locke - November 12, 2018 12:11 pm
Sean, this was an entertaining diversion from your warm and fuzzy posts. I look forward to the warm fuzzies to help get me through the fast-approaching winter, though. Much love to you this rainy day in the Tennessee Valley.
Susie - November 12, 2018 12:21 pm
Hilarious and true?????
Naomi - November 12, 2018 12:41 pm
That’s why I primarily watch the TV programs in black and white from the 50s and 60s, mostly westerns, a d a few from the 70s, Little House on the Prairie, M*A*S*H, The Big Valley, The High Chaparral, Gunsmoke, Andy Griffith. I quit watching TV news because they don’t report the news; they just give their opinions. I went to bed at 8:30 last night; I got exhausted trying to find something on TV that I wanted to watch.
LeAnne Martin - November 12, 2018 12:45 pm
Thanks for the laughs, Sean! So true. We are big readers around here. 🙂
Jamie - November 12, 2018 12:57 pm
So true Sean. It’s a long involved story… I’ve lived “TV Free” since the mid 1970’s. Don’t miss it a bit. Today through the innernets there are all kinds of sites for content. My secret vice is the “scambaiter videos”… Granny Edna is my hero… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMsY4zrZ0ow&t=38s
Marilyn - November 12, 2018 12:59 pm
So very close to the reality of present day TV and the “reality” shows!
Carol - November 12, 2018 12:59 pm
Amen. I turned off my tv two years ago.
(Smile)
Love the silence.
Susan Swiderski - November 12, 2018 1:02 pm
And THAT, in a nutshell, is why I read so many books.
Susan Self - November 12, 2018 1:17 pm
Oh come on people. I agree with you Sean. Plus I’m living my own reality show. So I don’t watch theirs. And if you really think about it, it should make you cry. Got to go feed my animals.
Betty F. - November 12, 2018 1:23 pm
Wow! You sure hit a nerve on this one! Look at all the comments pro and con. I laughed and laughed it was so accurate. Relax, folks…. you have a choice of what to do with your time- and it is not Sean’s job to make your day every day. Sheesh!
4Dees - November 12, 2018 1:35 pm
Great recap of the state of television viewing, Sean!! Most of what we see is mindless dribble, puffed up and “fake” news, nothing that challenges the mind or makes one think. You did good, Sean!!
thoughtsfrommybedroomwindow - November 12, 2018 1:40 pm
All television isn’t bad. Have you watched God Friended Me, wonderful show with positive messages. And The Good Doctor has great storyline about autism. And others like all the good stuff on PBS, Discovery, The Nature Channel, Link TV. The column is kinda funny, but kinda negative. Television, like everything else in life, is what you choose it to be. I’m a huge reader and you can do both, read a lot and enjoy tv.
Diane - November 12, 2018 2:10 pm
How about the young couple shopping for a house in Hawaii with a budget greater than the amount of money I will make in a lifetime? Then……I look around at my peaceful little home and thank God.
Rhonda - November 12, 2018 2:15 pm
I can not believe the comments here.
First, Don’t tell a writer what to write. You are missing the point,
Second: Sandy and Janice and thoughts and others need to get a grip. You are better than this?… Really?!…. Over a light hearted article about everyday stuff which is what you write about all the time! As a matter of fact they remind me of the characters in the commercials.
Love is fickle Sean. Especially in todays world. If an article tickles me or moves me in some way its one of my daily blessings. If it doesn’t stir me then I figure that it was somebody else turn that day. Kinda like a testimony.
But for people to get on here and tell you not to write it just because of their opinion are the exact ones complaining about every body else controlling the conversation.
The news folks are not the problem its the people above and below them. Just like here. They take what they read and hear and make it all about what they think.
Write on Brother!
Newell Gay - November 12, 2018 2:29 pm
Right on friend!
Frieda Borntrager - November 12, 2018 3:33 pm
I have not had a TV in my home for several years now. Currently, I have access to one. Thanks for validating that books and magazines are much better choices for entertainment!
SJ Denney - November 12, 2018 3:38 pm
Right on!
Pat - November 12, 2018 4:03 pm
And you should be careful of which books you read. There is good and bad in everything. All of us are sitting in front of a computer or phone and are on the internet if you are reading this. You want to talk about BAD stuff, it is here on the internet, but not all is bad, there are a lot of good things, helpful things and educational things.
Pick and choose what/who you watch, listen to, read, keep company with.
Jack Darnell - November 12, 2018 4:05 pm
Amazing the ‘takes’ on an opinion. We have two TVs in our ‘wheel estate’ they are on in a crisis or when a huge storm is approaching Florida. Other wise 8 hours would be the time I have watched TV in 20 years, partly because of hearing and partly because of disgust.
Anyway my opinion is: you are SPOT ON! 😉
D. Green - November 12, 2018 4:10 pm
Very, very funny! People, I love Sean’s uplifting posts too, but what’s wrong with just being purely funny (and accurate) for a change? Good grief.
Shelton Armour - November 12, 2018 4:16 pm
That’s why I stick to sports on TV. Even that is tinged now but then tell me what isn’t. TV news is a disgrace…one spews hat and racial distrust, the rest spew angst over “super-bacteria”, wildfires, assorted natural disasters, and, of course, mass shootings. I don’t watch the news anymore. I read what I want to read of the news in the newspaper. Mainly, the comics and sports-sometimes the financial section.
Helen Trammell - November 12, 2018 4:23 pm
Wow, a 1st, just flipped through your blog like it was TV. Whew-Enough of that for a decade Sean!!
Edna B. - November 12, 2018 4:38 pm
Right on! That’s why I mostly watch reruns and the shopping channels. You have a wonderful day, Sean. Hugs, Edna B.
Donna - November 12, 2018 4:47 pm
Oh, Sean…haven’t you learned to watch Andy and Opie and Barney instead??? I turn to them in the darkest TV hours. Try recording them and fast-forwarding through the commercials!!
Reading a book is the very best escape for sure…try the oldies there, too.
Janice Takashima - November 12, 2018 5:02 pm
What an interesting discussion showing the diversity of your readership, Sean. If I didn’t already soak every day in humor similar to yours that you shared with us in this column we are discussing, I would have appreciated it more. It is the kind of wry humor I use myself in getting through the day. I guess it is not fair of me to put you in a box with my expectations of something different. You write what you write. Some days I’ll like it more than others. I write a gratitude journal for myself just about every day and yesterday I skipped. Today I wrote a short one. Sometimes I inspire others but other times I can only encourage myself to take one more baby step. On days like that I am more grateful for you and your unique perspective.
Susie, as well - November 12, 2018 6:37 pm
What Rhonda said.
Susan Kennedy - November 12, 2018 8:16 pm
This is great. That is all.
Gordon - November 12, 2018 8:51 pm
Your writing of today is exactly why I shy away from TV these days.
Jack Quanstrum - November 12, 2018 9:10 pm
That’s about the size of it!
Marcia MacLean, Lynn Haven - November 12, 2018 9:37 pm
After Hurricane Michael, didn’t have electricity for 19 days. During that time we reconnected with neighbors, spent a lot of time outdoors, admired sunrises, sunsets and star filled skies. Also had plenty of time to read one of your books. Cable came back on this past Saturday (exactly one month after the storm). So far we’ve only watched football games. Found out less is more.
Virginia Hamlin - November 13, 2018 1:42 pm
And we still turn on the idiot box. What a mess. Thanks.
Janet Mary Lee - November 13, 2018 10:56 pm
You are teasing us you know, ever so irreverently !!!! I am absolutely cracking up over your paragraph of Depressacore!!! (do I even have one of those little trademark circles with an r on my computer?)..Are you feeling normal?…I Am suffering from non depression….I love you Sean!!
Jody - November 15, 2018 4:23 am
The mute button is my favorite friend!
Lewis - November 19, 2018 8:58 pm
Ain’t that the truth.