Geneva, Alabama—my wife and I are driving Highway 27. The sun is shining. The sky is blue.
I’m on my way to speak at the Farm City Banquet in Coffee County, Alabama. There, I will stand onstage and deliver mediocre entertainment to three hundred folks wearing cowboy hats and eating barbecue.
My brakes screech.
A dog.
It’s a puppy, sitting in the center of a two-lane highway. Two green eyes, auburn hair, and floppy ears. There is some hound in her.
She’s planted on the yellow line, staring at my windshield.
I flip on my hazards. The puppy whimpers when she sees me come near. She is small. I can see every rib the Good Lord gave her. She licks my face.
There are few blessings greater than puppy breath.
I move her from the highway, into the grass. I bid her goodbye. She wanders into the road again.
So, I reason with this animal.
“Stay outta the highway, girl,” I’m saying. “You’ll get run over.”
She barks at me.
I carry her to the nearest porch—a shotgun house with rusty water heaters in the yard and a lopsided porch.
Nobody’s at home.
I place her on the steps.
No sooner have I shut my vehicle door than I see a puppy on the pavement again.
I don’t have time for games. I’m running late. I have to be in New Brockton in thirty minutes. I explain this to the dog. She only licks me.
“Don’t lick me,” I warn her.
She licks.
And I will love her until they lay me down.
She falls asleep in my lap while I drive. I hear her snore. We arrive at the non-pet-friendly hotel. My wife checks in; I carry a large cardboard box through the lobby. The box is whimpering.
“Sir, what’s in that box?” the clerk asks me.
“Don’t mind me, I’m a columnist—sort of.”
“Very good, sir. Enjoy your…
