I received an anxious email from 26-year-old Candace, who, among many other things, writes:
“I’m so [expletive] mad right now… America is a [double expletive] trainwreck… And why are people are so evil? What’s going to happen to us?”
At first I was not sure how to answer this message, since I’m no expert. But then it dawned on me, I can actually answer her question.
Which is rare for me. Many times I am asked questions I cannot answer. Questions such as: “What is the capital of Ohio?” “Are you Episcopalian?” and “Why didn’t you pull over when I flashed my blue lights, sir?”
So I’ll answer your question outright, Candace. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going to happen to America next. Play by play.
The first thing that will happen tomorrow is that at 6:42 A.M., in my hometown, the sun will rise. It will rise at 7:11 in Boston; 7:42 in Atlanta; 7:17 in Saint Louis; 6:51 in Las Vegas; and in Seattle meteorologists expect to see the sun in mid-July.
After sunrise, people will stumble out of bedrooms, yawning, dressed in pajamas. Well, technically, only 52 percent of Americans will be wearing pajamas, the other half will be buck naked.
I’m completely serious. Roughly 48 percent of Americans sleep unclothed, or partially clothed. And in the coming years this statistic will change because a survey recently discovered that two-thirds of millennials sleep “in the raw.”
So after we Americans stagger from bedrooms, wearing nothing but the Joy of the Lord, do you know where this country will be heading next? That’s right. The coffee pot.
Currently, 150 million Americans drink coffee. This means that each morning, as a nation, we fiddle with Japanese manufactured coffeemakers to brew the sacred life-juice that nurses our stimulant-deprived animal brains into low-level awareness.
What happens to our nation next? Glad you asked. Something urgent. While coffee perks, 85 million U.S. household pets scratch at the back door in unison. Sixty-three million of these pets are dogs. And each one needs to pee.
Think about this national scenario, Candace. Tomorrow morning, in this wonderful country, 63 million canines will simultaneously trot outdoors to write their names on the lawn, so to speak.
I’m not necessarily saying this is living in national harmony, but it’s a start.
When the coffee is ready, a mere 23 percent of Americans will read paper newspapers. Sadly, few subscribe to physical newspapers anymore. Which means that most Americans will be consuming news on…
Approximately 96 percent of Americans own cell phones. Most read their news on these electronic screens. And here’s something else. When Americans browse these morning headlines, can you guess where they are usually sitting? Most Americans—and I’m not trying to be gross—read the news in the bathroom.
These are just the facts, Candace. You asked what was going to happen to us. I’m telling you.
And the fact is, 98 percent of Americans report visiting the loo daily between 6 A.M and 10 A.M. That’s an overwhelming majority. So in other words, we Americans might not agree on much, but roughly 321.4 million of us definitely agree on this precious four-hour window.
After we Americans finish our nationwide moment of deep reflection, what happens to us?
This. Most of us will eat bacon. Again, this is all true. In a recent study based on U.S. Census data, about 82 percent of America regularly eats bacon.
This might not sound impressive until you consider that 10 years ago, hardly anyone admitted to eating bacon publicly. In fact, if you told your doctor you ate bacon, he would immediately start showing you casket catalogs from the local funeral home.
Not anymore. Today, 268 million Americans eat bacon. And 21 percent say they plan to eat bacon every morning of their lives.
This is partly because in 2016, U.S. nutritionists began suggesting that cholesterol in food may not affect your cholesterol negatively. Which was a real breakthrough for amateur pork enthusiasts like me.
And this is also why people started eating eggs again. Remember when eggs were once blacklisted by the medical community? That’s all over now. Groundbreaking research recently proved that eggs aren’t bad after all.
And this is exactly the kind of scientific research we need to fund in America right now. All those in favor of university research aimed at uncovering the benefits of Anheuser Busch products raise your hands.
So I’m running out of room here, and I still haven’t fully answered your question about “what happens next” in America. I haven’t even gotten past breakfast. I’ve only named a scant few marvelous things happening in the U.S.
I haven’t told you about the amount of Americans who will donate to charities this year (6 out of 10 households give significantly to charities).
Neither have I told you how many annual kids are fortunate enough to attend college (18.2 million).
Or about the 3.2 million abused animals that are adopted each year.
Oh, and I could also tell you that each year 135,000 children get adopted. I truly hope you think about this number for a moment because this means that, on average, 15 kids per hour are finding forever homes.
A few of these children write to me from time to time. Like the young man named Eric, who wrote a few weeks ago. Here is how Eric’s letter read:
“I have finally been adopted and am going to my new home on Friday… I get my own room and they got me some shoes so I can play basketball… Please pray for me, ‘cause I’m real nervous, but I’m so excited that someone really wants me.”
Yes, Candace, I know that things aren’t good in this country right now.
But people still are.