A girl I like is in my class and I like her and wanna get her to like me, too. And I wanna figure out how to ask her out, but I’m a loser most of the time.
You couldn’t find anyone worse to ask for advice. Especially when it comes to this subject.
But believe me, you’re not a loser. You want to see a real loser? The guy writing you is someone who once got choked up asking a girl on a date and started referring to himself in the third person.
You must never refer to yourself in the third person. It makes you sound like a serial killer with mommy issues.
This is what I told her:
“Um, yeah, Sean Dietrich really wants to go on a date with you. Sean really likes you?”
Notice the question mark on the end of that last sentence, which made my voice slightly higher pitched. We can see from further grammatical analysis that I had forgotten how to function in American society.
I ended up making such a fool of myself that she told me to get lost.
Anyway, do you know who I wish you could talk to? My grandmother. She would’ve been the right person to ask. She knew everything.
The only advice my grandmother ever gave when it came to the opposite sex was this:
“Treat her better than you’d treat your mother and you can’t lose.”
I can attest to this being true.
Something else I have learned about girls: It’s a bad idea to try to get them to notice you through strange and unusual means.
For example: Once, I followed my uncle’s advice and played guitar on a girl’s front lawn at one in the morning. I sang “Happy Together” by the Turtles.
As it happened, the girl’s family was on summer vacation. Her older brother was the only person home. Her brother leaned out the window and shouted:
“Hey! Do you know any Chicago?”
I strummed a few bars of “You’re the Inspiration” just to give him his money’s worth.
I am telling you all this because when you feel like a loser you end up doing strange things. Sometimes, it can make you act like someone else altogether.
Don’t. I know it’s tempting. After all, there are many different people you COULD be. You could dress like someone else, think differently, or act differently. But it won’t help you fit in. Not really.
I once spent time in the company of a young lady who didn’t like the real me. I knew this, so I tried to fancy myself up a little. I started rolling my R’s, and holding my pinky up when I drank RC Cola.
But the relationship didn’t work out. She thought I was a loser, and ultimately I agreed with her. Our romance came to a sudden end because of her mother, if you can believe that.
Her mother didn’t want her daughter being with someone like me, who frequently referred to himself in the third person as Sean Dietrich.
I felt like the world’s biggest mouth breather. It took several years to get over the damage I did to myself. And I could have avoided it all if I would’ve known who I was.
Easier said than done.
I have spent my entire existence figuring out who I am, and so will you. Eventually it happens, I promise, but it takes time.
Maybe it’ll go the same way it did with me. Maybe the “you” that you discover won’t be the person others think you should be. Maybe they will be disappointed in you. You’re going to disappoint a lot of people in this life.
Even so, your friends won’t be disappointed. Friends are special souls who love you the way you are. Friends are the kind of people who stay up until midnight, writing six hundred words to a kid who calls himself NERVOUS-IN-ARKANSAS.
I wish I could give you something better than what you just read. But like I said, I know little about the opposite sex. In fact, I still forget to put the toilet seat down. And believe me, that becomes a big deal once you get married.
I do, however, remember sitting on a front porch beside a white-haired woman who once told me something important. She said if you treat a woman better than you treat your mother, you can’t lose.
I hope you know how special you are, friend. Because everyone else does.
Especially Sean Dietrich in the third person.