I’ve never seen London. I’ve never seen France. Consequently, I’ve never seen anyone’s underpants.

But in a few months my wife Jamie and I will fly into France—wearing underpants—to do something that is completely nuts because my wife is bat-excrement insane.

In a couple months, we will be deposited in a French airport with nothing but backpacks and walking shoes. We will traverse 500 miles on foot, hiking the breadth of Spain, from Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port to Santiago de Compostela. These are places I’ve never heard of. Places I can’t even pronounce.

So I’ve been doing some light reading on what we’re about to embark upon.

This 500-mile route was established in the 9th century and is one of the oldest religious pilgrimages in history. In fact, the route is CALLED the “Pilgrimage,” or “El Camino,” or “Middle-Aged People Doing Something Stupid.”

But as I understand it, the Camino is basically just a really, REALLY long trail hiked by people who are trying to find something.

“A lot of are trying to find themselves,” says one expert I interviewed. “But after the first few days, most hikers are just trying to find clean toilets and decent insoles.”

Jamie and I have been training for the past several months. We have been going on walks wherein we hike a few miles, and each time we return we give each other looks of mock terror because we know we will be walking five times this distance every day for A MONTH AND A HALF.

This will be the biggest, most notable thing either of us has ever tackled with the exception of having a new septic tank installed. And I am sitting here thinking about the Camino this morning.

I am the same age my father was when he died. Which makes this a pivotal year for me. I never expected to live this long. Frankly,…

I was on the way to the shed. Walking through the yard. I saw something in the grass. It was fluttering in the weeds. I could see its wings. 

I squatted for a closer look. It was a bird. Lying on its back. The creature was kicking its legs. The mouth was open. A shrill squeal was coming out of its open beak. It looked scared. 

So I turned the bird onto its side. I thought maybe it was just stuck on its back. But the bird was still crying. You could tell something was wrong with its neck because the bird couldn’t seem to move its head. 

When I picked up the creature, I didn’t mean to but I started crying. Because I could see life draining out of its small body. I could hear its faint cries getting weaker.  

“Sssshhh,” I said, wiping my own tears. 

And I couldn’t think of anything to do but stroke its little breast and touch its tiny head. I realize I was probably terrifying the creature, but I’d like to think

it could sense the love I was feeling. 

“I’m sorry this happened,” I said, with streams rolling down my face. “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” 

The bird quit kicking its legs and its eyes were blinking progressively slower, with long pauses between each reopening. 

“It’s okay,” I said. “Just rest.” 

I saw one of my neighbors in their yard. 

“What are you doing?” they called out. 

“This bird is dying,” I said.  

My neighbor smiled and edged away from me as though I were Anthony Perkins. But I was too busy at the moment to care. I knelt in the grass and watched the bird’s life expire. 

“Ssshhh,” I said. 

The bird’s squealing finally ended. Its cries were silenced, its legs quit kicking, its black eyes closed. I used a spade to dig a small hole, and placed the…

I receive a lot of messages. I cannot answer all these questions, so I have compiled the most common ones to answer them here. 

Q: Do you even care about your own country? Are you even watching the news right now? Sweet stories about kids with cancer are heartwarming and get lots of likes and engagement and build your brand, but are you aware that you are losing your national and personal freedoms AS WE SPEAK? 

A: As we speak, 8 kids just died of cancer. 

Q: Why don’t you ever comment on our politicians? You have such a platform to spread truth, and yet I don’t know where you stand, and therefore I can’t figure out whether I’m supposed to like you or not. How can I figure it out if I don’t know which politicians you support? 

A: My opinion is that America has the best politicians money can buy.

Q: I paid $24 dollars for eggs at the grocery store yesterday, I am sick and tired of these prices!!!!!! When will we do something

about the expensive cost of living!!!!!

A: Tell me about it, I had to move into my friend’s bouncy castle. The rent is expensive, but it’s mostly inflation. 

Q: How can you just sit there and watch the country go to [deleted] I read your stuff and wonder what [deleted] planet were you born on?

A: Different one than yours. 

Q: Do you seriously believe in angels you [deleted] moron? I’ll bet you pee sitting down, too. 

A: Only when my angel is watching. 

Q: Do you know that this is the worst time in world history? We are standing on the precipice of the most nightmarish timeline of current events this globe has ever seen. These are the darkest times we have ever known.

A: Don’t feel bad, friend. I failed history, too. 

Q: My Jesus is the only way to heaven,…

The Helen Keller Art show is in full swing. The center is adorned in art. Tactile pieces. Colorful artwork. Sculptures.

The artists are mostly students from the Alabama Institute for the Deaf and Blind. One of the nation’s oldest institutions.

“THAT ONE’S MINE!” shouts a young, blind artist. She is excitedly tapping a painting. “IT’S A FLOWER!”

“That’s a beautiful piece,” I reply. “Why did you choose a flower?”

“Because God loves flowers.”

And I am starting to have flashbacks.

Namely, because a few years ago, I attended the Helen Keller show. Before the show I met a little girl in the art gallery. She was using a pink wheelchair. A seatbelt around her tiny waist. Her eyes did not look at me, they looked through me.

“Hi,” said the cheerful girl. “My name’s Henrietta, what’s yours?”

So I told her.

We shook hands. And we talked. Henrietta told me about her artwork. She told me about her mitochondrial disease. And her progressive blindness.

She said

she’d spent most of her life living in hospitals. Most of her birthdays. Most holidays. Her life had been lived out in hospitals.

“That’s why I’m going to start my own charity someday,” she said.

“What will your charity be about?” I said.

“I’m going to get toys donated from kids, and then I’m going to give all those toys to children trapped in hospitals, all over America. That way they have something to play with, and so they know someone cares about them. Because in a hospital, you sometimes feel like you’re all alone. But you’re not.”

After our brief conversation, I watched Henrietta wheel up to the stage to receive an award for her artwork.

When the ceremony was over, we were in the lobby, talking again. And I marveled at this child who had come so close…

I am proud of Morgan Love. That is all I wanted to say today.

I wish I could tell you how proud.

As the 19-year-old young woman returns to college classes this week; as teenagers herd across campus like droves of cattle; as students all over the nation engage in the long-cherished tradition of not reading the syllabus; I just want to say how proud I am to know Morgan Love.

This young woman has been on an operating table, laid open, more times than anyone can count. She has lived out the majority of the past year in hospitals.

And yet, whenever you see her, she looks like she just discovered teeth.

Although her circumstances have been dire, she is unbelievably positive. Frighteningly positive, actually. Almost as though Morgan lives in an alternate reality than the rest of us.

Namely, because whenever she receives good news from a doctor—ANY tiny morsel of good news—she runs with it. She internalizes it. She holds

it in her heart. She is an optimist of the highest degree.

As a result, the doctors are always surprised at her progress. She is constantly proving them wrong.

They said she might never walk again. A few weeks later, she got out of her wheelchair. Now, she’s jumping on trampolines, going for small hikes, and going snowsledding.

They said she might be paralyzed. She learned how to walk with a brace and eat with one hand.

They said her intestines might never digest food again. Not even liquid food. She got an ice-cream maker for Christmas.

They said she might never lead a normal life. She moved into the dorms at UAB, joined a sorority, and walks to every class.

In fact, that might be what she’s doing now. Walking to class. Maybe she’s got her phone in her hand, like all the other…

I’m on a plane awaiting takeoff. My carry-on bag is above me in the compartment. A compartment which, according to FAA regulations, is slightly too small for everyone’s carry-on bags.

There is an old man behind me trying to force his oversized roller-suitcase into storage by throwing his bodyweight against his luggage like a first-string tackle. But his efforts aren’t working because his carry-on is about the size of a Honda Civic.

But God love him, he’s trying.

A few of us passengers help him out, although we are not strong enough to bend the immutable laws of physics. 

In the process of helping, the old guy and I make friends. I’m guessing he’s mid-eighties. 

“Hi, I’m Art,” he says cheerfully, and I smell nothing but Old Spice. He answers everything with a strong Midwestern “Youbectcha.” 

“I’m from Wisconsin,” he adds.

“I’m from Alabama,” I say. 

He nods. He thumps his chest and starts the conversational ball rolling. “I was married fifty-nine years.”

“Really.”

“Ohyoubetcha.” 

“That’s amazing.” 

“Well, I learned a long time ago that marriage is just an agreement between two adults.

You don’t try to run her life, and you don’t try to run yours.”

We fall silent while the plane achieves liftoff. But not for long. He tells me about his wife.

“She was Korean. Met her when I was in the Air Force. The last thing I thought I’d do is get married, but, hey, I fell in love. She was the prettiest woman you ever saw.”

He goes on to tell me the whole love story. He tells me how he met her when he was a GI, and how he fell for her gentle spirit, her sable hair. He speaks of how she grew up in horrific poverty, of how she was an incurable optimist in the face of loss.

“...And she was smart. Spoke four languages. And when she sang in Korean, it…

I saw the mother and daughter in the hotel breakfast area. They were eating hotel breakfast; that uniquely American fare made of commercial plastic that will turn your bowels into stone. 

Mom was middle-aged. Maybe early fifties. Her daughter was maybe 18. You could tell it was her daughter because of the way she kept rolling her eyes whenever the middle-aged woman opened her mouth. 

“Aren’t you going to eat any fruit?” Mom said. 

Eye roll. “Mom.” 

“Maybe you should go get an apple.” 

“I don’t want fruit this morning.” 

“They’re pretty good apples. I had one.” 

“Mom.” 

The mother smiled. Mom went back to her breakfast. She stabbed her plate absently. 

“Did you finish setting up your dorm room last night?” Mom said, eyes still on the plate. 

“Yeah. We hung colored lights.” 

“What color?”

“Pink.” 

“Where’d you get them?”

“Target. They have great stuff for dorms.” 

Her mom smiled again. 

Mother and daughter favored each other. In many ways, they were almost identical. One of them merely looked a little more tired than the other. 

“Have you activated the credit card I gave you yet?” said Mom. 

“No.” 

“You need to do it

before I leave town.” 

“I will.” 

“You have to do it on your phone, it’s kind of complicated, you need my help?” 

Eye roll. 

“Maybe you should do it now,” said Mom. “While I’m sitting here. In case you need me.” 

“Mom.” 

The girl went back to playing on her phone. The mother was just looking straight at the girl. There was a lot of love in Mom’s eyes. But it was being aimed at a kid who wasn’t paying attention.  

“Do you need me to gas up your car before I leave town?” said Mom. 

“No.” 

“What about the oil? Doesn’t it need to be changed soon?”

The girl shrugged. 

“You have to look at the sticker,” said Mom. “They always write it on…

I was an older college student. Early 30s. Bad at math. A dropout, going back to get his degree. I sat in the back rows, with plumbers and Hooters waitresses. I had fun.

As an older student, most professors were part of my peer group. Many teachers had attended the same wild high-school parties I did. Most of which I can’t remember.

But there was one teacher who was different.

She was older. Past retirement age. She was small. White hair. Skin like tissue paper. And in an era when female professors wore T-shirts, she wore tweed skirts.

Between classes, she smoked Marlboro Lights and read books. I often hung out with her on her breaks, because I liked the way she saw the world.

She introduced me to O. Henry, Jane Austen, and Victor Frankl. The woman loved the written word. She told me to read Robert Frost. Nobody ever told me to read Robert Frost.

Once upon a time, she wanted to be a writer. But being a writer is hard business.

It’s not about skill, or depth of prose. It’s about your marketing department.

So she stuck with teaching.

For one class, we were supposed to write an essay about our hero. I am not an experienced man, I don’t have many heroes. So I chose her. The unassuming woman, who could have been great, but chose to make other people greater.

She chose to teach night classes to raggedy adults with full-time jobs. She chose a life of anonymity. I didn’t know much about her, so I drew on what I knew from her lectures.

She was born in the Dismal ‘30s. Her daddy (“deadie”) walked five miles to a factory to support a big family. She attended school in a two-room schoolhouse. One room was a classroom. One was a bathroom with a broken toilet.

There were no college graduates in her family. But her…

My granddaddy said you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat a dog. Someone who treats a dog badly, is a bad person. A person who treats a dog with regard and deference is a good egg.

Right now, my wife is holding our blind coonhound, Marigold. She holds our rescue adoptee like a baby. Not like a dog.

Marigold’s face was struck with a blunt object. Her optic nerve scarred over. She lost her vision. The doctor removed one eye. 

“What probably happened,” the vet said, “is that someone paid a lot of money for this hunting dog, but Marigold turned out to be gun shy.” 

Her abuser wasn’t happy about shelling out thousands of bucks for a dog who doesn’t like noise. So he took his frustration out on the animal. He used a hard object. Perhaps the butt of a rifle. 

My wife is softly humming to Marigold. “I love you,” she is quietly singing to the animal.

We’ve had our dog several years now. Life with

a blind dog was tricky at first. Not like having a regular dog at all. When we feed Marigold treats, for example, you have to touch her to let her know you’re near. Then, Marigold simply opens her mouth widely, gyrating her head back and forth. 

“I don’t know where you are,” she’s saying, “but I’m opening my mouth to make it easier for you.”

Marigold’s internal schedule is all screwed up, too, because blind dogs can’t sense light or darkness. So they have no idea what time it is. Sometimes Marigold wakes up at 1 a.m. and starts licking my face. And I start cussing and I say, “Please go back to bed.” Whereupon Marigold barks with glee. Because there is nothing half as fun as 1 a.m.

But, we love this animal. Namely, because we don’t have kids. As a result, my wife…

Dear Lynn,

It’s weird. Weird knowing that you won’t be reading this today. You always read my stuff. It’s how we met. Which only raises questions about your taste in literature.

Directly after you’d read my stuff, you’d email me. You did this nearly every day. For many years.

Your emails were updates on your life. You told me about places you visited. Foods you ate. Ideas you had. About the thousands of medical appointments you endured. About the throngs of doctors in your life. About your hospital stays.

Those emails became part of my daily routine. Jamie and I both read them. Daily. We’d get a little worried whenever we didn’t hear from you for a few days.

The first time you and I actually hung out, we went to see George “Goober” Lindsey’s grave. You, me, and Jamie. It was a big roadtrip. Jamie drove the van. You sat in the passenger seat, navigating. I was in the back seat, providing the helpful service of

eating Chili Cheese Fritos.

The next time we hung out, we went to the ACTUAL Mayberry. We visited Mount Airy, North Carolina, for an Andy Griffith Rerun Watcher’s Club reunion. We spent the weekend together, watching reruns, at the Mayberry Motor Inn, along with hundreds of fellow Andy fans from around the US, who are all—and I mean this with all sincerity—clinically insane.

One time, you went to Waffle House with Jamie. The waitress thought Jamie was your date. You blushed like a schoolkid. You invited us to Thanksgiving. You were always checking up on us.

You came to many of my shows. You heard my jokes over and again. I don’t know how you weren’t sick of me. I’m sick of me.

You sat front and center the first time I played the Grand Ole Opry. I took the stage, and I could…